Funeral Customs and Grieving

Funeral Customs and Grieving

By the Rev'd Ed Swayze

Updated 04 Jan 2007

Prior to Death

prepare will, power of attorney (disconnection of life support);

think through donation of organs; and

it may be appropriate to pre-plan the funeral.

At Time of Death - in hospital

important that people are with the dying person;

say what you need to say: I love you, I'm sorry;

Christian customs:

q communion;
q private confession, "None must, all may, some should"; and
q prayers; and

call Funeral Director to make funeral arrangements.

At Time of Death - elsewhere

police are called, in case of foul play; and

an autopsy must be done to determine cause of death.

Planning Funeral

The purpose of a funeral is to help the living to grieve.

timing of funeral:

q travel of people who want to attend the funeral; and
q cemetery and crematorium do not work on Saturday afternoon and Sunday.

themes of funeral:

express religious belief: ex. Christian hope of the resurrection;
be thankful for person's life;
help people to grieve; and
address pastoral concerns i.e. child, how the person died, family issues.

cremation:

before funeral or after funeral;
at funeral cremains may be present or not;
a prayer of committal to the fire is an Anglican practice; and
interment of ashes.

embalming is done unless the body is buried within 24 hours.

visitation:

q originally in the home of the deceased;
q a time for family and friends of the deceased to talk, often about the deceased; and
q viewing of the body is encouraged;

A memorial service is a funeral service, but the casket or urn is not present.

Christian funeral service, family has choice of:

Anglican service books: Book of Common Prayer (BCP) or Book of Alternative Services (BAS);
Eucharist (communion, mass);
scripture (BAS page 604 has suggested readings);
hymns;
selection of readers, etc.;
eulogy (a talk given by family member or friend about the deceased person); and

sometimes music that the deceased found meaningful may be played.

Participation in the Funeral Service

q The participation of family of friends as readers, giving the eulogy, etc. is important.
q It helps celebrate the life of the person who died.
q Involving people in the ritual helps them to grieve.

Internment of casket or urn:

q may follow immediately after the funeral service, or much later;

Naval/Military/Police Customs:

q vigil party at the visitation;
q Canadian flag draped over the casket/urn;
q guard with the funeral procession (going to the church and then to the cemetery);
q firing party at the committal (3 volleys to symbolize the Trinity);
q burial at sea; and
q navy chaplains may scatter ashes at sea of veterans.

Children's participation in funerals:

q children deal with deal in their own way;
q children may blame themselves for the death of the person;
q allow children to participate to the extend that they wish to be involved, have child-care arrangements made just in case;
q expect children's behaviour to fluctuate between being sad and happy; and
q involving children in the funeral helps them learn the life skills to cope with death and grieving.

Dealing with Stress

eat, and eat as healthily as possible;

moderate alcohol and caffeine intake;

get adequate rest;

exercise, walk;

do "normal" things; and

talk with people who care about you: family, friends, clergy.

Healing/Grieving

natural process, but being aware of the process and being intentional about following the process will aid the healing process;

mourn, being sad helps the soul to heal loss;

adjust to the hole in your life:

fill time;

make new friends;

learn new skills; and

start new activities;

heal unresolved issues:

q talk with people; and/or
q write in a journal or write letter to deceased;

stages of grieving: shock, denial, anger, acceptance (Elizabeth Kubler-Ross);

rule of thumb: if you have known a person less than a year the grieving period is equivalent for the length of time you knew him or her, if you have known a person longer it will take roughly a year to work through your grief;

the intensity of the grief is related to the intensity of the relationship; and

religious "feelings" tend to disappear during intense grief, in the absence of feeling you must trust Jesus is with you.

Context of Faith

death is part of life;

faith in the resurrection is the assurance that the power of sin, death and evil will eventually be overcome;

Jesus walks with us in good times and bad; and

concept of free will allows things to happen that God would rather not happen, but when they do God can bring good out of it.

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